For The Fallen Dreams ...and why I think Harry Potter was written for me..

And just like that I started writing here again.

When I started this blog, I had a very specific purpose. The blog never got there and meandered through the tapestry thats my life. Some months I had so much to say, but inertia took over, some months I had nothing much going on, and still you can see a few posts here and there. The original purpose though was supposed to be very much private and a little wierd.

I wanted to document my dreams. Yes. I am a vivid dreamer. I remember my dreams from a long time back, can describe it in techinicolour to anybody who would care to listen. In college I had gotten into a habit of narrating my dreams over breakfast to a very close friend. Infact, even now when we meet, and if I stay over, I narrate my dreams to her. We pick up where we left off.
I started dating my husband in 2007, and that was a perticularly terbulant time for me, resulting in certain recurring dreams of wars, supersonic flights, tsunamis and all sorts of end of days visions. DH being in the US time zone, and me being in India, got to listen to a earload of jibberish when he was still at work, while I was just waking up. He did rally through though and I love him for it. I can never return the favour, as he is the rare species without REM cycle (I think!).
Time and again, given I dreamt up interesting, sometimes wierd, sometime sad and sometimes downright funny situations, and since dreams are a window to your own mind, I wanted to document them. Interpret them and hence me so to speak.Something always came up and it never really hapenned. Dear couple of readers, you lost out on a treasure trove of sci fi movie scripts.

Today morning, after dropping little one at school, I came home and started reading and apparently dozed off. What came up was instantly sad and shocking and thats why I just had to document this. SPOILER ALERT : Its rated SAD. You can leave right now, and resume towards the end. :) But hey its my own dream diary.

I was back in the house that we moved to after I was done with high school, back in Bihar. This is a recurring theme. I have gone back there just once after I lost my dad to a freak accident. Its been more than 5 years since. I still dream of it. And when I do, I always see myself at the door, waiting for my dad, who is supposed to be coming back from someplace, either work, war zone, the doctors, or just that he was lost for a long time and now he is coming back home. I can smell the anticipation, the adrenalin, as if the pin point of my existance lies in seeing my dad home safe. He does come back. Always. But he is never whole. And he is never happy.

Here I will digress and take you to another realm. Harry Potter readers, remember the story around the resurrection stone. How it does get people back, but they would rather be gone.

In my dream, I feel the same way. I want to be close to dad, keep him safe where I can see him and just not let him go. But he is not happy. Either he is sickly thin, or he is wounded or he is just plain sad. Very sad. In my actual life, I have NEVER seen my dad sad. Maybe I am not letting him go. Maybe even after 7 years I am still coming to terms with an untimely death, that I did not witness and hence cannot fathom. I dont know.

But anyway, thats the dream. And About Harry Potter, I had read my first in 2002. But I actually read my first in 2004, when I was grieving, but away from prying eyes, alone. Harry Potter carried me through those dark dark days, and I clung on to it. My then partner let me know in no uncertain terms, that I throughly ignored him when HP was in my hands. We eventually parted ways.

But Harry Potter books, I read, reread and then some. It felt, as if just for one day I could lay my hands on the Mirror Of Erised., I would  say everything I ever wanted to say to dad.

And this is when I was 25 years of age. :) I still feel that way. You can imagine, why I would bid fare well to a freind, going to the theater alone and bawling my eyes out. I had made it clear to DH, that I wanted to be alone with him. So long Harry!

Wierdass post. But like I said, it matters to me, and so its here.